Vanity

Sometimes I think I just want to be void.

Sometimes I don't want to acknowledge all of the substance that goes into my existence - the weight that hangs on every action. Because if you always are conscious of that, you can NEVER REST. You can never just vegetate. And sometimes I think the human soul needs that. But whenever I give in to vegetation, I inevitably end up in sin, because I stop caring about the eternal framework that surrounds me. Allowing yourself not to know, when you do know, is wrong. But it seems that it would be fake to just wrench my mind back into that eternal mindset of all-pervading substance, when nothing in my own soul indicates that any of that exists right now.

Buddhists embrace the void. And they typically practice the most humane conduct of any human group. But leaving a void open in the world always means it will be filled by the powers that rule this world, and Buddhism is thus a conduit for demonic activity. Humane conduct is only human, Love is supernatural.

But when you are not feeling remotely supernatural, and perhaps only half-human, how can you do anything short of just turning off for a while?

It would be nice to settle down into that vanity, and work with it, and then call it something. Call it art. Did I just call all of my art vanity? I suppose Solomon would agree...

I think I know the answers.


Don't look for anything of substance within your own spirit.

When at a loss, praise God.

But I suppose putting those changes into effect in my life just takes discipline. But love is definitely a type of discipline, and that is hardly ever recognized. To love someone is a conscious decision, an act of continual discipline, a covenant. And it is the exact opposite of vanity.