The Still Point of the Turning World..

I am quite often tempted to really explore my own mind. And, of course, that doesn't sound bad at all, but I mean exploring unpropitiated desires.. one often thinks that such exploration is an opportunity to learn something about oneself, and thus the inner workings of the mind should be addressed.

And indeed, there is likely much that I could learn about myself as an individual from delving into this kind of psychoanalysis, but I have come to realize that "myself" apart from God is utterly unindividual. These would not be personal revelations that I would gain insight into; they would only be part of the universal oppression exerted upon Humankind by the Prince of this world. "Myself" without God is more specifically myself without light, without love; that is, myself consisting only of the absences of true form and meaning. Myself without God is only a number, a faceless unit - and is that worth exploring?

We shall not cease from exploration,

And the end of all our exploring 

Will be to arrive where we started 

And know the place for the first time.

...Not known, because not looked for 

But heard, half-heard, in the stillness

Between two waves of the sea.

T.S. Eliot; 'Burnt Norton' from the Four Quartets

Perhaps my exploration to find this elusive place between two waves of the sea, where past and future are gathered, and all experience stops dancing, and one can see the motion summed up in one place - at the still point of the turning world - perhaps I have tried to find this at the heart of my own life. But this is wrong. If, as Kurtz, I would see it as it really is - I would find a heart of darkness, and I would gasp, as he, "the Horror!"

What I have come to realize is that the motion of the dance, the turning of the world which makes the still point possible, are all forces which find their source in God. My life as it really is - myself when I am real - exists now with God, as I have always existed, since before the foundation of the world. That is the still point of the turning world.

It's like when you are dreaming, and you act rather shamefully in the dream. You wake up feeling rather bad about it, but assume that you didn't have control over your unconscious mind, and so are not accountable for the thoughts and actions carried out in the dream. There is, however,  always a certain amount of mental turmoil that accompanies such dreams as they are being dreamt, which means the choice was available to not entertain those thoughts. 

If that elemental part of me had been secure enough in the will of God, it would have resisted the excursions of the mind even in its semi-conscious state. It is as John the Baptist saying "He must increase, I must decrease." If Christ increases in me, the hold of this world, and my mind, its effectual by-product, decreases.